Seattle Came to Visit....and Extended Her Stay....

Here in the 801, June is typically HOT with the occasional summer rain shower a welcome blessing (just so it is not on race day!) This year Mother Nature decided to mix things up a bit. So starting right around June first, it began to rain. Okay. This is cool. Then it kept raining, and raining, and raining. After the first week, most were saying, okay, sun? And it kept raining and raining, and then I get word from my friend in Seattle that it is sunny. Hmmm....getting worried. Way too many rides and runs in the rain and mud.

I am beginning to feel a bit Januaried. Not good. Each winter when it is dark and gray, I swear I am moving, but then the sun comes out. And I stay. But this year, I was beginning to think Seattle was looking pretty good. I thrive on sunshine. My entire aura and energy is maintained by sunshine and hugs. By week three, I was done. Bail out plan A, B, C, and D were in the works. I can't handle being injured and sick and dealing with gloomy gray skies. But then today happened.

The sun came out. The weather warmed, and I saw the valley so beautiful. More than ever. Lush and green and calm. Sweet. Seattle went home. My mind is clearing, my heart is dreaming, and I am remembering. I have been down before. When I came back, it was so beautiful and wonderful. I will be back soon. The sun is coming out. When it fully shines, it will be the greatest and most beautiful moment to infinity I have yet experienced!

Rise and Fall, Ebb and Tide. This is the way of it.

Believe

This is a picture of me last July right after the Downieville bike race in California. So dirty, so tired, so happy and full of life. I miss that strength. I miss that shining light. All I wanted to do was smile. It was my favorite part of me. Now pictures of me show no smile and my eyes are enveloped in a sadness I can't quite shake. I am embarassed about my teeth. What has happened to them. I look at my body and yearn for the funny tan lines and little tired muscles after a day of racing and enjoying sunshine. Tears fall every day along with feelings of vulnerability and grief for what once was. I used to think it was a no brainer to accept 'what is'. I'd been through a lot like many others.

This one has knocked me completely off my feet and sent me rolling and banging to the bottom of a cliff. I am working my way up. Pain. Physically I have never experienced so much pain in my life. Emotionally and mentally some days I struggle to keep going. I need to keep remembering to take one step at a time and that little falls back are there to help me keep the focus. Gratitude. For all I have. Acceptance. For what is at this moment. These are my tests emotionally. Ouch. Purpose? I want my little boy to have a strong beautiful mommy. There are lots of adventures, races, moments in our future and I want to be there with him to experience them. I just need to remember to keep believing in miracles. I need some.

Coming Back

Since last July, I have had a difficult time all of the way around. From being debilitated by parasites and injuries through the last half of 2008 to finally realizing I am not invincible in the first half of 2009. Wow. What do I have to go on? My immune system and my teeth seem to be the sad remaining reminders of the parasites. I have now lost 3 teeth. It is a daily battle mostly emotionally to rebuild my teeth. I truly believe I can and will. Some times I am losing and sometimes I am winning. All I know is I will not give up. In addition, any time I over do it, I pay for it. I get sick, I get another injury, I am too tired to do my day to day things of working, training, raising my awesome son. But then the sun comes out again and I find within my heart that spark that will never dim.

I have visited these feelings before about 10 years ago when I experienced a near fatal head injury donating blood. I knew in my heart that no matter what anyone else said, I would be back. I relearned to read, finished college, had a son whom I am raising as a single mom, and have a great career as a massage therapist, yoga and pilates teacher. Not to mention many beautiful memories racing triathlons and trail runs with the Xterra circuit. Better than ever. It took a while, but I got there.

Now the pulling of my heart to get out and live is much stronger than the physical ailments I am experiencing right now. Life is ever changing. This moment will not last forever. I have now run two races this year. One was the Salt Lake City half marathon. I ran a 1:27:44 and finished 8th overall female out of 2,544. Not bad for a sick girl with very little training. And now the diablo 25k. Again, minimal training, a really hard fall, and I still finished a solid 3rd place female over all. Then there is the road bike racing. I am climbing well, endurance is building, I am hanging with the big girls (yay!!!) and a deep inner strength is speaking louder each day that I am coming back. The voice will soon call so loud that it will drown out all of the tough things right now and make them seem small.

What have I learned? Appreciate always what you have right now. Love your health. Love beautiful days. Love the difficult days as they provide a contrast as to just how beautiful the good ones are. Find reasons to feel joy and relish in it. When you look in a mirror, look deep into your eyes. Fall in love with the soul you see. Remember that is the real you. The real me is not the one physically that is seen by most at the moment, with tired eyes, injured teeth, bruised body. The real me is light and perfect and anyone who can't see that isn't looking deeply. Soon, I will shine inside and out again. Right now I am gathering strength.

And when I come back, I will be stronger than I ever knew I could be.

End of March?

Ok. Now this is getting crazy. My year is flying by and I seem to have missed the break. I am working on bridging back and getting on board. I am creating a cool website for athletes looking for healthy holistic alternatives to all of the disconnecting craziness out there and to bring one back into their body in order to reach their greatest potentials. It will give its humble debut in a few weeks. Working on taxes, hanging out with my cutest little boy in the whole world, giving massage,teaching yoga and pilates, running, and riding, and my own yoga practice.....and on and on.

Notice I didn't put swimming? Yep. That was not a mistake. I am switching gears this year for sure and putting a huge X on my tri's for a while. It has been a tough decision, but this little body of mine needs some more TLC. At this point I am planning to get back into them within a year or two, but in the mean time, I am giving trail running a real go. Plans are to race as many as I can of the La Sportiva mountain trail series as well as to hit some Xterra Xduros and end with nationals and worlds there. For biking, I am finally getting some sweet help with my skills and am going to have a great time mixing it up in the dirt this year all the way around. Sooooo........that is that. First race is coming soon. Super psyched to get it rolling.

A Sabbatical?

Wow. I can't believe I haven't updated since November. To where did the time fly away? Anyway, hand is healed, shoulder from the crash is in the works. What else? Turned 29. Canyon is four. Still working on rebuilding my body and teeth from the parasites. I am also looking for my own little apartment or little house or whatever. I love my roommate, but both Canyon and I feel it is time to find our own space. If anyone has suggestions on something that is not too outrageous, puhlease let me know!!!!! But for now, training, working, dreaming.....of warm weather and a healthy (fast little) body!

Last weekend's cross races...

So check out the Ladies on Wheels site for my take on the races from last weekend. I wrote the race report for them! Other than that, good things are coming back except for the fact it is snowy and sooooo very cold today. I am one who loves warm weather so much that if I had an opportunity to move to a warmer winter place, I would love it. Until then, I'll keep racing my crazy sports as my own form of coping!

The Color Purple

I will spare the details, but this year has certainly turned into my year for physical pain. Last year was emotional. Which carried into this year and turned physical? I don't know. Saturday I crashed hard at the cyclocross race. Going from 25 mph out of a short steep hill and wiping out in a loose corner at that speed into gravel. OUCH. The good thing? I forgot about all of my other ailments and ow-ees for a while.

Pretty much my entire right side is still one big swollen purple bruise. Like I think I have said before. I love purple. Just not when it is on my body! By the way, thanks to Art, Bart, the nice guy who went and bought me a bag of ice (was I really that out of it not to figure out who that was?), Mike K, Terry, etc. who helped me out and dealt with little girl crying big alligator tears.

Here is the interesting thing. Physical pain is one thing. I've had a lot of it over the years and can deal with it. When you are told though that most likely you have a broken hand and that is what you use to make your living, emotions can over ride all else. I already have been struggling financially like many since I split up with my sons dad. When the thought entered my mind that I may not be able to work at all for a while, I panicked. I started wondering how I would pay my bills, take care of my little Canyon, and on and on.

The strange thing. I was sitting on the grass leaning against Art's car freaking out. At the same time, I was about 15 feet away from Terry McGuiness . T-Mac is so amazing. He was the commentator for the day. He is positive, kind, strong, beautiful, and living with cancer. Thinking about how incredibly he appears to handle it made me choke up even more. At least I can ride my bike. At least I am supposed to recover fully from my parasites, etc. etc. Watching him in his grace was such a reality check. Talk about a person who lives the big ring. I can only hope to someday become as strong as him.

Here is the lucky thing. I got my hand x-rayed that evening. By some miracle, I just had a deep bone bruise. So still a lot of pain, but I know it is going to feel better much sooner than a break would.

So what did I do? Monday back on the bike. On the road--tried the dirt, but the bumps didn't prove at all forgiving on my hand. Tuesday even dragged out my road bike and went on a nice beautiful ride to the top of Millcreek with my good friend Jamie. And, I gave a massage without a problem.

Thank goodness the sun always comes out after a storm. Looking forward to lots more sunshine.